Apple cider vinegar. It’s the biggest health thing going. Everybody’s talking about it. You take a shot every day and apparently it can help you lose weight, reduce your cholesterol, improve your heart health, lower your risk of cancer and extend your life by at least 10 years, so it’s definitely worth trying because who doesn’t want to lose weight?
But you need to be careful: apple cider vinegar is very acidic, it can dissolve the protective outer enamel of your teeth, potentially leading to a dental disorder called “no teeth”. This is why health experts recommend diluting your apple cider vinegar with a bit of olive oil, because there’s no point in being slim and healthy and cancer-free if you have to spend the rest of your extra-long life with weird stumpy little Tic Tac teeth.
Melon and gooseberry drinking vinegars from Rawduck in London.
Apple cider vinegar and olive oil. That’s the drink to drink. That’s the miracle brew. You take a shot every day and apparently it can improve your circulation, stabilise your blood-sugar, cleanse your liver, aid your digestion, boost your immune system and it’s also fun to sing “apple cider vinegar” to the opening song from the musical Hamilton, “Apple cider vinegar, my name is apple cider vinegar …” (once you do it, it’s impossible to stop).
Some people are not crazy about the taste of fetid fermented apples suspended in a glass of viscous mucusy cooking oil. That’s why health professionals suggest squeezing in fresh lemon juice to make the flavour more lemony, then add a huge squirt of honey to make it even more palatable, like lemonade.
Apple cider vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice and honey. Yeah, that’s the buzz drink of the moment. That’s the remedy of remedies. You take a shot every day and apparently it can heal your wounds, anti-oxidise your body, balance your skin pH, relieve your constipation, control your hiccups and when you’re walking past a tennis court and a tennis ball bounces in front of you, it will give you the strength to throw the tennis ball back over the fence on the first throw, when it used to take up to 12 throws (which got a little humiliating).
However some health-enthusiasts think that if you’re going to all that trouble, you might as well supercharge your shot by adding even more healthy ingredients like cayenne pepper, turmeric, coriander, horseradish, rosemary, garlic and finally a pinch of salt and pepper, seasoning to taste.
Apple cider vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice, honey, various spices and herbs and minerals. Now we’re talking. This is the ultimate cure-all. You just take a shot every day and apparently it will reboot your gut flora, strengthen your skeletal system, decrease your triglycerides, free your free radicals, shape your lashtastic lashes, enable you to spot an ocean rip, teach you to carve a delicate carrot-rose like you once saw in that Thai restaurant, and give you the ability to do convincing comedy accents that will embellish any dinner-party story and delight your friends and family.
Of course, at this point some of you may realise you are just drinking a glass of salad-dressing. A spicy, tangy Mediterranean-style dressing with a nice zesty punch. So maybe you should get a big bowl, fill it with lettuce, tomatoes and other fresh vegies, then pour your shot over the top and eat it. Because that's the biggest health thing going. Everybody’s talking about it. A salad may be the ultimate one-stop super-detox miracle cure-all of cure-alls.
Danny Katz is a Melbourne humorist.
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